She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
