Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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