My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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