my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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