I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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