Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
