He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
