My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
