he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
