Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
