Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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