apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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