Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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