everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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