I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
