i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
