dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
