I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i now understand why vodka
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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