so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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