I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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