my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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