In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
