Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
