MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
