i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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