Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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