I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
