oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
