Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
