I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
