i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
