ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
