he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
