why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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