She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
