this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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