apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
