goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
