i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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