she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
