hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
