Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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