my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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