the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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