She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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