You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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