Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
