Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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