My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize