it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
