Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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