So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
