So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
