My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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