We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize