Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Holy sore nipples Batman
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
