i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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